Hidden Wishes Read online

  “He’s really with someone else?”

  “They hold hands in public. Maybe they’re not together, but that’s not the vibe the PI got.”

  I laid my head down on the counter. “I loved—love him,” I said to the cool granite.

  “I know,” Tibby said. “I’m sorry.”

  “Why did he even say yes?” I turned my head so I could kind of see her.

  “I don’t know? He got mean? He was being a shit that day? I don’t know. Did he really tell you he didn’t want to do the heavy lifting anymore?”

  “Yes.”

  “Asshole,” she said. “I know this hurts. But he was tossing shit up at you to cover his own bullshit.”

  “Seems like it, doesn’t it?” I spoke to the granite again. “Fuck. Tib, this may take a while to…” I couldn’t say the words. Couldn’t say get over him. I just couldn’t.

  “You know, this means there is something else?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Dhameer. What he said to you.”

  I gave her the one-eyed stink eye. “Why the hell are you talking about him? My life just fell apart here.”

  “I know, but eventually, you have to come back to life. And you have a djinn who somehow set something up in your favor. He’s not a jerk. Nothing is free with Dhameer, but he doesn’t set you up to get hurt.”

  “Oh, no?” I asked, the bitterness seeping out and burning an acidic hole in the granite countertop.

  “No, he doesn’t. Maybe it means…” Tibby stopped. Took a deep breath. “Maybe it means that your heart’s desire is in a bit of a different direction.”

  I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “Could you dance around that one some more, please?” I pushed my body up off the island to look at her.

  “I could, but I thought I was pretty much at the bottom of the barrel as it was,” Tibby said.

  “I can’t think about that right now, Tib,” I got serious again. “I’ve just lost everything I ever wanted.”

  Her mouth opened and then closed. Good. I wasn’t in the mood for platitudes of any sort.

  “OK. Then how about we drink these bloody Marys and make it so I have to call a cab?”

  “OK. But you’re cooking and cleaning.”

  She laughed, and it was a testament to our friendship that she didn’t bitch about doing everything. She stayed with me all afternoon, and we didn’t mention Graham again.

  “You going to be OK?” She asked as she got ready to leave.

  I was impressed that her phone hadn’t gone off at all—she must have told Seth it was a no fly zone today.

  “Not yet, but I guess I’ll live.”

  “Listen, tell your family that there’s no engagement,” Tibby looked serious. “Otherwise it will come up when you really don’t want it to.”

  “What, you’re the expert on this?”

  “No, just the expert on all the awkward family shit.”

  “OK, I’ll call my mom tomorrow. She’ll spread the news and make it a little easier.”

  “It’s OK to call her, Bryant. That’s what moms are there for.”

  “Thanks for coming over, Tib.”

  She gave me a big hug and kissed my cheek. “I love you, jackass. I’m always here for you. You have an open invite for any time you need to swing by, OK? I mean it. We mean it,” she added.

  “Go home. Your guy’s been pretty patient all day. I’ll let you know if I need propping up.”

  “OK. See you tomorrow.”

  “Night.”

  I closed the door behind her. I was exhausted.

  As I fell into bed, I thought, Why, Graham? The vision of him getting into the car with the other guy was never going to leave.

  Damn it.

  I finished cleaning up the kitchen and headed back to bed. There was nothing to do but to keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope that time would help me move forward and away from what I thought my future would be.

  I looked at the phone. I might as well call my mom tonight. It wasn’t too late. Get it over with now and then be done with it.

  She answered on the second ring. “Bryant! Sweetheart, how are you?”

  “Actually Mom, not so good.”

  And for the second time this year, I got to tell my mom that no wedding was in my future. I think it sucked even more this time.

  I didn’t think that I could feel worse, but hearing my mom tell me she was so sorry, and hear the hint of tears in her voice made me feel guilty.

  Which made no sense, but there it was, and I couldn’t tell her anything other than it would be all right, eventually.

  I tried really hard to believe it.

  13

  When I woke up Monday morning, my eyes didn’t feel like sandpaper.

  So that was a point on the plus side.

  But I sure didn’t want to go to work. I knew myself, however. If I sat at home, I’d stew over what I should have said, could I have done anything differently, and on and on.

  When in reality, if what Tibby told me was true—and I didn’t have any reason to doubt her, other than I didn’t want to accept it—then there was nothing I could have done to change the way things ended.

  Graham was on his way out. He’d been on his way out. Why hadn’t I seen it? We’d lived together.

  I had no idea. Honestly, I didn’t know how I’d missed it, but I had. If I were being honest, and today I was, I did have a slight question in my head, remembering seeing Graham get into the car when he walked out that night.

  But I’d ignored it and shoved it aside. Because who wants to think the worst of someone they love? Particularly if thinking the worst means you were a patsy, and someone fooled you.

  No one likes looking like a fool.

  I sighed and took myself to work.

  Tibby was already there as were the ladies in the office. Everyone said hi but kept it low-key. Tib must have warned them.

  Normally, I’d be pissed, but today, I appreciated it. Not like I hadn’t done something similar for her, back when she was dealing with her men troubles.

  However, as I made myself turn my mind to work, I realized that I would also have to stop thinking of an end goal with Graham as part of it.

  That pierced through my heart like a sword.

  Nope. Not now. I shoved those thoughts aside. I wasn’t ready to deal with that. Work would have to do for the moment.

  Thank God for work.

  I could tell that I was on edge. I took Tibby with me to the court appearance we’d talked before my whole world fell sideways, and as she predicted, the guy on the other side nearly blew a gasket when he saw her.

  “What’s his deal?” I whispered as we settled in on our side.

  She shrugged. “He asked me out once. He’s been pissed ever since I politely declined. Feels sure I’m not right. Never misses a chance to throw shade either.” She grinned at me. “So I enjoy seeing him fall on his ass.”

  And fall on his ass he did. Tibby was right. It was good to see.

  The hearing was the only bright spot in my entire week. I felt like I held a tiny Band-Aid on a gaping flesh wound.

  It had to get better, right?

  A week later, and the cut the sword made through my heart was still there. Even though I felt that some sort of healing had begun, overall, I was achy and sore.

  So when the phone rang, late Monday night, when I was trying to get this shit done so I could go home, I was abrupt when I answered.

  “Higgs,” I said, letting the phone rest on my shoulder.

  “Hey, Bryant, it’s Declan.”

  A moment, and then, “Oh. Hey, Declan. Hang on,” I set the phone down, and physically put the paperwork away from me.

  I felt bad. I’d been so busy distracting myself, I hadn’t thought of Declan much. Was I supposed to call him? I couldn’t remember. Too busy wallowing in my own self-pity was more like it, but I felt I could give myself a week or so.

  The week is up, my snide inner criti
c reminded me.

  Shut up, I shot back.

  I picked up the phone. “How are you? Sorry it took me a minute—I wanted to get the papers out of my line of sight.”

  He laughed, and I smiled. I’d forgotten how warm his laugh was. “I get it. I’ve been practically underwater all week.”

  Now I laughed. “Under water? Isn’t that an occupational hazard?” It felt weird to laugh, to smile. I hadn’t done much the last seven days.

  “Yeah, it can be. But we heard back from the DC folks, so the flurry of emails is like trying to walk a straight line in a snow storm. I’m finally back to familiar ground, but it took all week.”

  “I get that. It’s like that here, when clients all go off the deep end at the same time.”

  “I didn’t want you to think I was ignoring you,” he said. “I know I said we’d have dinner last week, and then I didn’t call. I hate to admit it, but I sometimes work on the weekend, too.”

  Oh, God. Another upfront, honest one. The ache in my heart hit me hard.

  “I didn’t think that,” I said, not really sure what to say.

  There was silence on the other end.

  “Is everything okay?” Declan asked.

  “What do you mean?” Did I sound that bad?

  “You don’t sound like yourself, at least the way I’ve interacted with you. Is this a bad time?”

  Now it was my turn to be silent.

  He spoke again. “Listen, I like you, and I’d like to get to know you better. But if it’s not a great time, let me know.”

  I sighed. “It’s not a great time, and that has nothing to do with you.”

  “Is this work or personal?”

  “More personal.”

  “You want to talk about it?”

  I thought about it. “Do you really want to hear it? Other people’s sad stories are just not that interesting, generally, outside of those involved.”

  He actually chuckled. “I don’t mind other people’s stories, sad or otherwise. I’m serious in that I want to get to know you. So if you feel up to it, tell me about it.”

  Did I want to do this? He was new, an unknown. It had been Graham and me for so long.

  Well, he said he wanted to know. “I ended a long-term relationship—” I stopped. Holy shit. “A couple of months ago.”

  “That’s tough. It takes time to move past it.”

  I sighed. Again. “Yeah, it does. I wasn’t the one who ended it. I wanted to move things to something more, and he…” The pain washed over me. “He said he did, too. But when it came to it, he left.”

  “That really sucks, Bryant. I’m sorry.”

  “Me, too. It wouldn’t be so bad, but things weren’t…” I hesitated, looking for the right word. “There wasn’t closure. He left a lot of things hanging, and when I pressed for some kind of answer, one way or the other, he told me that it had been over for him. It would have been nice had he shared that,” I finished, the bitterness seeping out a little.

  “Sounds kind of selfish,” Declan said.

  “It was. I’ve learned some more things that were going on that I wasn’t initially aware of, and yes, it makes all this even more selfish. So without getting all caught up in my drama, I think it’s important that you’re aware of that. I like you, too. But I’m not in the best place.” I felt I needed to be honest.

  “Thanks for being honest with me. I think you can put up with a lot if there is honesty between people. I’m sorry it’s been such a rough time. I don’t like relationships that end but drag on at the same time. It’s brutal.”

  “That’s exactly what it is,” I said. It felt good to talk about this with someone who didn’t know all the gory details, and could see it from a slightly different point of view.

  “Well, in the spirit of honesty, I still would like to see you. It doesn’t have to be anything major, or intense. It may not be anything. But I like you, and I’d like to spend time with you. No pressure.”

  “No pressure?” I asked. “No promises, either.”

  “Well, one promise,” he said.

  “Which is?”

  “Don’t stop being honest. It’s always worse to learn that someone’s blowing smoke at you.”

  “I agree,” I said.

  “Now that we’ve settled that, let’s talk about something more pleasant. How about happy hour somewhere on Friday?”

  “That sounds good,” I said.

  “Are you just trying to flatter me?” He asked, and I could hear the laughter in his voice.

  “No. It does sound good. I’m tired of myself, moping around.”

  “I find that you can only feel sorry for yourself for so long, and then you have to kick your own ass,” he said.

  “I think I’m almost there—the kicking your own ass part,” I added.

  “Well, good. Let’s get together at the end of the week and see if you’re there.”

  “Sounds good,” I said.

  “I’ll text you, then?”

  “Yes.”

  “Great. Thanks for being honest, Bryant. I appreciate it,” he said.

  “Oh, well, ah, you’re welcome?”

  “See you later. I’ll text you.”

  “Okay.”

  “Night.”

  “Night,” I said as he ended the call.

  That was unexpected. I hadn’t thought about him at all, but talking with him made me feel better.

  I didn’t want to use him or have him be a rebound. I’d seen that with some of my friends, and I thought it was mean.

  Again, though, what the hell did I know? I’d been out of the dating world forever.

  However, I decided that if I kept being honest with myself, I’d be able to do that for Declan, too. That way, this wouldn’t end in some massive drama-laden cluster.

  I pulled the paperwork back in front of me. I still needed to get through this crap. There was plenty of time to over think the Declan situation.

  As it turned out, there wasn’t a lot of time to over think anything. Tuesday morning right after I got in, my mother called.

  “Hello, darling,” she said when I picked up.

  “What’s going on, Mom?”

  “I wanted to know if you were free tomorrow night. I know it’s last minute, but things have been a bit up in the air,” she added.

  That didn’t make a lot of sense, but if I spent time trying to figure out everything my mom said, I’d be forever occupied.

  “Um, yeah, I think so.” I checked my calendar. “Yes, I’m free. At the house?”

  “Yes, around six? Do you have anything pressing at the office tomorrow?”

  “No, I can get out of here at a decent hour.”

  “Good, sweetheart. I’d like to see you. I’ve been thinking about you since we spoke last week.”

  What had we talked about?

  Oh. That’s right. The whole ‘forget my engagement’.

  Great.

  “Thanks, mom.” I wasn’t sure where she was going with this.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you more,” she said, and I could hear the emotion in her voice.

  “Oh, Mom, no. Don’t do that. I didn’t want anything from anyone. I’m not good around other people when I’m miserable. You know that.”

  “You’re so rarely miserable that it’s easy to forget you can be too,” she said.

  Her words hit me with the weight of a sledgehammer. She was right. I put a lot of effort into keeping things in my life on an even keel.

  I’d done it when Tib and I went into business. I loved her, but she was a whole lot of drama. I set boundaries so that her drama didn’t take over her life and fuck up our business.

  I’d done it with Graham, too. In spite of everything he supposedly had done, I managed things with him, too.

  Keep everything on an even keel, keep everything ticking along. Everything’s great here, nothing to see! Move alone, we’re all good here.

  Jesus.

  It was too much to think about all a
t once.

  Plus, Mom was still on the phone.

  “Bryant? Are you still there?”

  “Yeah, I am. Sorry, Mom. I’m just swamped at work, but I’ll be there tomorrow. And don’t worry about the other stuff, Mom. I’m working through it. It’s just not any kind of fun right now,” I added.

  Normally, I didn’t let my mom in on that much.

  “It never is, when you’re disappointed that someone else doesn’t share the same vision. I’m sorry we haven’t been available for you, but I am now. We both are.”

  Despite her fumbling, I appreciated what she was trying to say. “Thanks, Mom. I’m going to be okay. I’m just feeling a little kicked around, that’s all.”

  “Well, we’re looking forward to seeing you. It’s the family,” she added.

  “Okay. See you tomorrow.”

  “I love you, Bryant.”

  “Love you too, Mom.”

  After the call was done, I looked at the phone. It almost sounded like my mom was feeling really guilty—I wasn’t sure why. It’s not like I told her all about Graham and our life together.

  She didn’t have anything to feel guilty for.

  14

  It turned out I was wrong about my mom’s guilt, too.

  I was having quite a month. Good thing I didn’t gamble. Because I’d have lost my ass in the past month.

  Although things started out just fine.

  When I got to my parents' place, I was in a good mood. Traffic hadn’t been terrible, and I was looking forward to seeing them, and my brothers. Maybe the kids would be there, and that would be nice, too.

  It felt like I was coming up for air after being stuck somewhere that it was hard to breathe. Everything smelled fresh, and new.

  Which was nice.

  My mom answered the door and pulled me into a hug. “How are you, darling?”

  “I’m okay, Mom. I told you. It’s getting better.”

  “Well, good. Come in, let’s get you a drink.”

  She shooed me in toward the drawing room—I couldn’t believe she called it that, but we did in fact have a drawing room. Once inside, I found my dad and Granddad, Matt and Priscilla, and Casey. Melissa wasn’t around. Nor, were it seemed, the kids.