Hidden Wishes Read online

  I couldn’t wait for dinner now. Because once I had dinner, and told my family the truth, then I’d be able to focus on putting Graham and I back together.

  Saturday arrived, and I got up and started prepping my materials. I spent the night before cleaning, making sure that everything looked spotless. Since Tibby had moved out, my house had gotten cleaner. She was the messier of the two of us. Graham and I were on a similar level with regard to cleanliness.

  With Graham being gone, I felt like I’d barely been living. So there wasn’t tons to clean, but it made me feel better to do it.

  I set the table, taking time with all the flatware, and the glassware, and arranged the flowers that I bought at the grocery store last night. I enjoyed entertaining, and in spite of my feeling that this wasn’t going to be comfortable tonight, I still wanted everything to look the way I liked.

  The doorbell rang, and then the front door opened. When Tibby had moved out, I told her to keep the key, just in case. While Graham was living with me, she had never used it. But I guess now, she wasn’t worried about offending him any longer.

  The thought gave me pause. While Tibby had never said anything, I wasn’t entirely sure that she was as sad for me as I was about Graham leaving. She’d stayed pretty neutral on her own thoughts on him.

  Which was what a good friend did.

  “Hey,” Seth said. “Here we are, you’re willing kitchen workers. What can we do to help?”

  “Open the wine and let it breathe,” Tibby said. She held out her back towards me, a bag that was obviously full of bottles of wine.

  When she had moved in with me, she had no sense of wine, or how to pair with a meal. That was one thing I had done.

  “It’s good to see you haven’t forgotten all the things I’ve taught you,” I said with a smile.

  “I can be taught," Tibby said.

  Seth laughed. “Sometimes,” he said.

  “Shut it, you,” she said.

  Together, the three of us worked, putting the finishing touches on the meal. Actually, I did most of the work, while they both drank wine.

  That was fine with me. Just having them with me made a difference. The doorbell rang.

  “Showtime,” I said. I went to the door, and it was my parents, who had also brought Granddad. His driving was getting more erratic these days.

  “Bryant, whatever you’re cooking, it smells delicious.” My mom kissed my cheek.

  My dad shook my hand and smiled. He looked happier than normal, and that cheered me up a bit.

  “Good to see you, son. Thanks for having us over,” he said.

  Dad sounded almost casual. It threw me a little. Maybe he’d always sounded casual, and it was just me? I push those thoughts from my head. I didn’t need to distract myself with the what-ifs.

  “Come on in, let me get you a drink.”

  They followed me to the kitchen, and Tibby came over to greet them. She gave all three a hug and a kiss, with a longer one to Granddad. Seth shook hands with both my dad and Granddad and hugged my mom.

  “What are you drinking?” I asked.

  “Don’t you have wine prepared for dinner?” My mother teased.

  “Well, of course I do. But I always like to pretend to give you a choice.”

  “No choice needed for me,” Granddad grumbled. “I’ll have a scotch and leave you all to the wine.”

  Everyone laughed. The doorbell rang again, and both of my brothers came in with their families. I was pouring wine, getting drinks, and finishing up the last bit of dinner. When we finally sat down to eat, I looked around me with pleasure. It was nice having them here. Why had I never had this level of comfort with them before?

  It was because I had never been honest with them before. At least, not like I was about to be now.

  Please let them accept this. Please don’t let them be assholes. I hated to think that about my family, but I’d heard of too many people who had finally come out to their families, and been shocked at the level of negativity that resulted.

  Conversation sort of came to a lull and I decided that it was now or never. I could feel my stomach drop to my shoes, but I stood up and tapped my knife against my wine glass gently, calling attention to me.

  “I’m really glad that everyone is here today,” I said, looking around, trying to make eye contact with all of them—except the kids, who were preoccupied with half-throwing food back and forth. Oh, well. The tablecloth would wash, and other than that, they were Casey and Melissa’s problem.

  “I asked everyone here because I wanted to share with you all, and honestly,” I grinned, feigning a courage I didn’t entirely feel, “I didn’t want to have to keep telling everyone individually.”

  I saw a couple of weighted glances exchanged, but I pretended I didn’t.

  “On my birthday, I asked the love of my life to get married, and…”

  My mom started to cry, smiling at me.

  “He said yes.”

  6

  Complete. Silence.

  That was what I heard. My mom’s mouth fell open, and her tears fell down her cheeks as she looked at me.

  I couldn’t tell what my dad was thinking.

  I hurriedly looked at Tibby and Seth, and they both nodded reassuringly at me.

  Matt was the first one to speak. “Looks like you need to pay up, Case,” he said, directing his words to my other brother, Casey.

  Casey smiled. “You did a good job hiding it, Bry. I was sure you were just trying to stay off the Mom radar.” He pulled out his wallet and handed Matt a twenty-dollar bill.

  “You made a bet?” I asked.

  “Had it for years,” Matt shrugged. “I’m your brother. I knew.”

  “And you didn’t?” I asked Casey.

  This wasn’t quite how I wanted it to go, but no one was calling me Satan’s Spawn, so I would take it.

  “I wasn’t sure, and Matt was so smug, you know how he is. I had to bet against him.” Casey laughed.

  That made Matt and I laugh, too.

  Which brought it into stark relief that no one else was saying anything.

  “You’re gay?” Mom asked.

  “You didn’t even suspect?” Matt asked her.

  She sighed, thinking about it. “Well, I heard from—it doesn’t matter now, but I did hear from someone they thought you might be—” she waved her hands dismissively. “I figured what does anyone know? You’re my son. So you’re engaged?”

  Now it was my turn to sigh. “I think so. He insisted I tell you first because he doesn’t want to hide our relationship.”

  I felt, rather than saw, Tibby’s start of surprise. I was kind of making things up on the fly, here. Graham hadn’t given me an ultimatum with an opening for us. But I knew that once he heard what had happened, he would be open to moving back in, and planning our lives together.

  “Well, good that he knows what he wants,” Mom smiled. “Have we met him?”

  “Yeah, it’s Graham,” I said, surprised.

  “Oh, well, that’s good. I like him, he seems a very nice young man. What sort of wedding are you thinking about, dear?”

  I wondered had I done my parents a disservice by assuming the worst. My mom sounded just like she had when my brothers told her they were getting married.

  “You’re gay? You sure about this?” My dad asked.

  Apparently, I’d thought too soon.

  “Yeah, been pretty sure for a while now, Dad.”

  He glared at me. “It’s not too late to change your mind.”

  “Why would I want to? I feel better now than I have in a long time. I’m being honest with you, my family.”

  My dad crossed his arms, sitting back in his seat. “I could have done without knowing it the rest of my days.”

  It felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest. I’d read a what felt like a thousand coming out stories online once I’d decided to do this. I was starting to feel obsessive, but one of the things I’d told myself was that my family wouldn’t
be as bad as some I’d read about.

  But there was my dad, sounding like one of the families from the stories I’d read.

  He turned and looked down the table to Tibby. “Did you know?”

  She gave him a what-the-fuck look. “Of course I knew. I’ve known since law school.” Her tone made it clear what she thought of him.

  “Did you know?” Dad turned on Granddad now.

  Granddad shrugged, taking a drink of his Scotch. “Thought that might be the case. Don’t really care though. I can’t see what difference it makes. He’s a damn fine kid, and good at his job. What else do you want?” He gave Dad a serious side eye. “But if you’re asking if Bryant confided in me, and I’ve kept it from you, no. He did not, and I have not.”

  “Gene,” my mom began.

  “No, Marg, don’t hush me now. Why haven’t you told us before? Do your clients know?”

  Now I was mad. “No, Dad, they don’t. But they don’t need to. I could be green with four arms, and I’d still do a good job for them,” I started.

  “Mr. Higgs, I would be careful,” Tibby chimed in. “Now you’re impugning both of us, and our ethics.”

  I loved her. She always knew where to go for the best hit.

  “Stay out of this, missy,” my dad snapped at her.

  Melissa, Casey’s wife, who had been silent until now, burst out. “I can’t believe you all!”

  Everyone stopped to look at her.

  “You’re dithering over what this means to clients? What does this mean to us, to this family? To my children?” Her voice rose.

  It felt dangerous to me. But I waited to see where she was going even though I was afraid I knew.

  “Bryant, I’ve always liked you. Even loved you, because you’re Casey’s brother, and I’ve always thought you were a good man. But now, to know that you’re gay?” Her voice rose again, and this time, I was sure it was dangerous. “I do not want my children around a man of such a dubious moral character.” She stood up.

  “Melissa, what are you saying?” Casey asked, putting a hand on her arm.

  She shook it off, almost violently. “I’m saying that this is wrong, and I cannot support this. I won’t have this around my family, or my children.”

  She turned to the children, who had stopped throwing food and were silently watching the interchange between all the adults. “Kids, come on. It’s time to go.”

  “But Mama, we haven’t had dessert yet!” Casey Jr, my nephew, said.

  Melissa stepped away from the table, heading towards them and making shoeing motions. “That doesn’t matter now. We’ll get ice cream when we get home. Come on, let’s get our things.”

  Casey Jr and Hannah got up quietly, both looking at me as they did so. I could see the tears shining in both of their eyes because I’d always had a good relationship with my niece and nephew.

  “It’s okay, guys go on with your mom,” I said. “I love you guys. Thanks for coming to dinner.” I smiled at them, attempting to show a confidence I didn’t feel.

  Melissa didn’t even look at me as she ushered the children from the room. Once they disappeared around the corner, she turned and looked at Casey, not meeting the eyes of anyone else at the table. “Casey, let’s go.”

  He shook his head. “You go on, Melissa. I’ll catch a ride home with Matt.”

  “Casey,” she began, her hands on her hips.

  “No. You’re entitled to your opinion, and I respect it, even if I disagree with it. But I’m entitled to mine, and I’m going to stay here with my family, and work this out. I’ll see you at home,” he turned away from her and back towards everyone at the table.

  I felt like crying. This was going downhill fast.

  “Casey Higgs, I will speak with you when you get home.” She sounded ominous.

  Then she walked away, and I could hear her and the kids rustling around and then the slam of the door.

  “Yeah, I guess we’ll both be speaking when I get home,” Casey said grinning halfheartedly at the rest of us. “I’m sorry, Bry.”

  “It’s all right,” I said. Not that it felt all right, but he was right. Melissa was entitled to feel however she wanted to feel.

  “It’s not all right,” my dad said. Unlike his normal mannerisms, he and yell, heated bluster, he just stared at the table. Then he looked up, first at me, and then my mother. “Marjorie, let’s go home.”

  She looked at him. “Now, Gene?”

  “Yes, now.” He stood up. “Thank you for dinner, Bryant. You did a good job as usual. Could’ve done without the conversation.” He set his napkin on the table and walked out of the room. He didn’t look back.

  It made me think of Graham walking away from me and not looking back as he walked out of our home and into the street. I felt the tears well up in the back of my eyes, I struggled to keep my composure.

  My mother stood and came over and put her arms around me to give me a hug and a kiss. “I love you,” she said. “And I’m proud of you for telling us. I know it’s not easy, and I know he is…” She sighed. “Well, he’s not his best right now. But it will all be fine, Bryant.”

  I hugged her back. “You sure about that, Mom?”

  “Yes, I’m sure. It will just take a little time. Thank you for dinner, sweetheart. I love you.” Then she stood up. “I’m sorry to be leaving so soon, but I think it’s for the best,” Mom smiled a little ruefully, and followed my dad out of the room. Then she stopped and turned back towards the table.

  “Dad, are you coming with us?”

  Granddad shook his head. “No, ma’am, I am not. I am perfectly content to stay here and have dinner with my grandson. Sorry you’re leaving.”

  “How will you get home?” Mom asked.

  Granddad waived his cell phone at her. “I can call an Uber like anyone else,” he said.

  I could hear a bit of laughter around the table at Granddad’s comment.

  “All right,” Mom said. “Love you all, and I guess we’ll see you later.” She disappeared around the corner.

  “Well,” Granddad said. “That kind of put a cramp in your entertaining, Bryant. But I’m not complaining. More for me,” and he leaned over and grabbed one of the dishes, spooning more potatoes onto his plate.

  Priscilla, Matt’s wife, finally spoke for the first time. “Thank you for sharing,” she said. “I’m glad you trusted us enough to let us know yourself.”

  I smiled at her, and conversation moved to less controversial topics.

  Finally, I could breathe a sigh of relief. While that had been good, and I didn’t even know what to think about Melissa, it had gone better than I expected. I was also glad that no one questioned me further on what was going on with Graham. Those would be questions I wasn’t able to answer, and I didn’t want to lie any more than I had to. Not that I would have to for much longer.

  I couldn’t wait to tell Graham all about it tomorrow.

  After my family had left, and my brothers had given me longer than normal hugs, Tibby and Seth helped me to clean up.

  “That wasn’t completely shitty,” Seth said, drying wine glasses.

  “Yeah, partially shitty is so much better,” Tibby said, giving him a look.

  “It could have gone worse,” I said before she could go off on any sort of defense of me or attack on part of my family. “I’ve been reading coming out stories—”

  Tibby interrupted with a laugh. “Always prepared,” she said.

  “Always,” I agreed. “Anyway, some things I’ve been reading have been horrible. This wasn’t what I hoped for, but it was by no means as bad as I’d worried about.”

  “Melissa was kind of bitchy,” Tibby said. “I thought she was about to brain you with something.”

  “I didn’t expect that,” I admitted. “It surprised me.”

  “I think it surprised Casey, too,” Seth said. “I feel bad for him. While she wasn’t nice to you, he has to go home to her tonight.”

  “I’ve never heard her express any kind o
f negative views about people who are gay,” I said. “I think that was the hardest for Casey. It was unexpected. He was definitely pissed.”

  Where Matt got mad, and let you know it, Casey was more like me, and he got quiet.

  Plotting his revenge, usually.

  “You’re right,” I said to Seth. “That’s not going to be a happy home anytime soon.”

  “I feel sorry for the kids,” Tibby said. “They were really sad, and I could tell they couldn’t understand why Melissa was so mad.”

  “Well, Casey will set them straight,” I said. At least, I hoped so. I felt a bigger pang than expected at the potential loss of time with them, crazy monsters though they were.

  Tibby hung the dishtowel she was using on my drying rack. “It’s going to be okay, Bry. I have to ask though. Are you glad you did this?”

  I thought about it before I answered.

  I felt both crappy and good. Like a weight had been lifted off me even though I had some conflict ahead of me.

  “Yeah, I’m glad I did it. Why didn’t I do this before?” I asked. Because thinking about today, in spite of the bad, it wasn’t as bad as I’d imagined.

  Had I really been making mountains out of molehills? Had I really screwed things up with Graham because I couldn’t see clearly?

  I was going to be pissed if that turned out to be the case. But it wouldn’t, I reminded myself. Dhameer told me if I faced the things I was avoiding, and fixed the challenges in my life, I’d get my wish.

  “Because fear is a powerful motivator,” Seth said. “Thanks for dinner, man. It’s always good to hang out. I’m sorry some of your family got all assy, but most of them didn’t, so that’s the good thing.”

  I smiled at him. Tibby had chosen a good one. “Yeah, you’re right. Better to focus on that.”

  They both hugged me and left.

  Which left me wondering why hadn’t I told them about Dhameer yet? Because I didn’t want to hear it from them? No advice, or discussion, or anything?

  I shook my head. I didn’t know and didn’t want to think about it. I had enough baggage to deal with at the moment without examining my motives in this aspect.